Letting go of people-pleasing: a Transactional Analysis perspective
Many of us recognise the familiar pull of wanting to be liked, to avoid conflict, to make sure others are comfortable, sometimes at the expense of ourselves. ‘People-pleasing,’ as it’s often called, can look like kindness, but beneath it often lies anxiety, guilt, or a deep-seated belief that our worth depends on other people’s approval.
From the lens of Transactional Analysis (TA) - Eric Berne’s model of human personality and relationships - people-pleasing can be understood as a learned survival strategy rooted in our early lives. TA offers a compassionate and practical way to unpack why we please, how it affects our communication with others, and what it means to reclaim autonomy and authentic connection.
The script behind the smile
TA teaches that we all develop a life script, an unconscious plan formed in childhood, based on messages we received from parents and caregivers. These messages, often well-intentioned, become the ‘rules’ by which we navigate life.
For the people-pleaser, these early messages might have sounded like:
“Be a good boy/girl.”
“Don’t upset anyone.”
“You’re only lovable when you’re helpful.”
The child, wanting love and safety, unconsciously decides:
“If I keep others happy, I’ll be okay.”
Over time, this becomes a powerful internal command; what TA calls a ‘driver.’ In this case, the ‘Please Others’ driver takes centre stage. It pushes the person to anticipate others’ needs, smooth over tensions, and avoid disapproval at all costs. While it often brings short-term harmony, it can leave the adult exhausted, resentful, and disconnected from their own needs.
The ego states in action
TA proposes that we operate from three ‘ego states’:
· Parent (our internalized rules and values)
· Adult (our rational, here-and-now self)
· Child (our feelings, creativity, and early decisions).
When people-pleasing dominates, our internal Parent might sound critical, such as, “You mustn’t say no! That’s selfish!” At the same time, our Child feels anxious and desperate for approval, perhaps thinking, “If they’re upset with me, I’ve failed.”
In these moments, our Adult - the balanced, reality-based part of us - is often offline. The task in therapy is to re-engage the Adult; to notice these internal messages, challenge outdated beliefs, and choose responses that reflect present reality, not childhood fear.
When pleasing turns inward: the hidden cost on the body
For some, the Please Others driver doesn’t just shape interactions, it can also turn inward, manifesting in struggles with food and the body. From a TA perspective, an eating disorder can be understood as another way the Child ego state tries to maintain control, seek approval, or avoid disapproval.
If, as children, we learned that being ‘good’ and lovable meant being compliant, small, or self-denying, that message can quietly transfer to our relationship with nourishment and appearance. Restricting food, overexercising, or binging and hiding may become ways to manage anxiety, earn validation, or communicate distress when direct expression feels unsafe.
In this light, disordered eating isn’t vanity or lack of willpower. It’s a form of communication within the life script. The body becomes the battleground where the old messages (“Don’t have needs,” “Be perfect,” “Don’t upset anyone”) are played out. Healing, therefore, involves not only changing eating behaviours but also challenging the underlying relational script that fuels them.
As clients begin to reconnect with their Adult ego state - the part that can reality-test and care for the self in the present - food and body begin to shift from sites of control to sources of nourishment and expression. The process mirrors the deeper goal of TA: reclaiming autonomy, self-acceptance, and authentic connection.
Rewriting the script
Letting go of people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming indifferent or unkind. It means moving from compliance to authenticity. From relationships based on fear to ones based on equality and self-respect.
Here are a few ways TA can guide that shift:
Recognize your ‘driver’
Start by noticing the internal pressure to please. TA therapists might invite clients to identify physical cues such as tension, smiling when uncomfortable, or saying “yes” too quickly. Simply observing the Please Others driver loosens its grip.
Contact your needs
People-pleasers often lose touch with their own desires. The Adult ego state can help here. Ask yourself, “What do I want right now?” or “What would be okay for me?” This simple question re-centres the self.
Challenge old permissions
TA emphasises the power of redecision, the process of consciously updating old, limiting beliefs. For example:
Old belief: “If I say no, they won’t like me.”
New decision: “I can care about others and still say no.”
These new permissions create space for genuine autonomy and intimacy.
Practice equal transactions
Healthy relationships in TA are Adult-to-Adult - open, respectful, and mutual. Practicing assertiveness, honesty, and boundary-setting invites others into this kind of communication and breaks the repetitive rescuer and victim cycles that people-pleasers often find themselves in.
The freedom of being real
As clients begin to step out of the people-pleasing pattern, they often describe both fear and relief. Fear, because the old script promised safety; relief, because they’re finally living as themselves.
From a TA standpoint, this is the essence of autonomy - the capacity to think clearly, feel fully, and choose freely. When we stop living for others’ approval, we can begin to relate from our whole selves.
In the end
Letting go of people-pleasing isn’t about becoming less caring. It’s about becoming more whole. TA gives us the language and tools to understand the scripts that once kept us small and the power to rewrite them. In the words of Eric Berne:
“Awareness requires living in the here and now, not in the elsewhere, the past or the future.”
(Berne, 1964, p. 79)
And perhaps, for the recovering people-pleaser, that’s the greatest act of self-love - coming home to the present moment, unapologetically yourself.
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References
Berne, E. (1964) Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. New York: Grove Press.
