Enmeshment: understanding the boundaries of love and control
In many families and close relationships, there’s a powerful pull to stay emotionally connected, sometimes so much so that personal boundaries get lost or blurred. This is known as ‘enmeshment,’ where one person’s identity, feelings, and choices become overly entangled with someone else’s. While it might seem like a sign of love and closeness, enmeshment can lead to feelings of anxiety, guilt, and confusion about where one person ends and the other begins.
Using Transactional Analysis (TA), a simple yet powerful approach to understanding our relationships and behaviours, we can uncover how enmeshment develops, how it affects us, and how to rebuild healthier relationships where both people can thrive as individuals.
What is enmeshment?
At its core, enmeshment is about blurred boundaries; when family members (or close relations) become so emotionally involved in each other’s lives that it’s hard to tell where one person’s needs end and the other’s begin. This doesn’t just mean being close. It means being too involved, so much so that it becomes difficult to function independently.
It might look like:
feeling like you have to take care of someone else’s emotional needs, even at the expense of your own;
always feeling responsible for other people’s happiness; or
struggling to make decisions because you’re afraid it might upset someone close to you.
While these dynamics might feel loving, they can make it hard to express your true self or have a balanced, healthy relationship.
The role of early messages in our lives
The way we learn to navigate relationships starts in childhood. We pick up messages from our parents, caregivers, and close family members about how to behave, what’s important, and how we should relate to others.
For example, if you grew up with messages like:
“We do everything together, no one gets left out;”
“You must always look after me, I need you;”
“If you really loved me, you’d always be there for me”
you might internalise these ideas as an adult and carry them into your relationships. These early messages shape what TA theory calls a ‘life script’ – an unconscious guide that influences how we act and interact with others.
In enmeshed relationships, these life scripts can lead to the belief that love means never having separate lives or independent identities. Instead, emotional closeness gets confused with emotional control.
What are ‘ego states’?
TA theory says we each have three parts of our personality, or ‘ego states,’ that influence how we behave and communicate:
Parent: This part of us carries the rules, expectations, and beliefs we learned from others (especially caregivers). Think of it as the voice of authority that sometimes says things like, ‘You should do this!’ or ‘You have to care for others.’ It can be nurturing or critical.
Adult: The calm, realistic, and problem-solving part of us. When we’re in our Adult, we think about things logically and make decisions based on what's happening now, not based on old fears or past messages.
Child: The emotional, spontaneous part of us that holds our feelings, desires, and reactions. When we act from our Child, we might be motivated by emotions like fear or longing, or we might seek approval without thinking about our needs.
How enmeshment plays out
In an enmeshed family or relationship, these three parts of an individual’s personality can get out of balance. The Parent ego state might be overbearing or too dependent, saying things like, ‘You must always be there for me’ or ‘You’re responsible for my happiness.’ The Child ego state might feel trapped, anxious, or guilty, thinking, ‘If I don’t take care of them, they’ll be upset’ or ‘I can’t leave because they need me.’
Meanwhile, the Adult, which helps us set healthy boundaries and make decisions based on reality, might get ignored or shut down. This makes it hard to think clearly about our own needs and create balanced, healthy relationships.
The hidden costs of enmeshment
When enmeshment takes over, it can feel like you’re losing yourself. You might:
struggle to know what you really want or need because you're so focused on the other person;
feel overwhelmed by anxiety or guilt when trying to create distance or make independent choices;
have trouble setting boundaries because you’re afraid of upsetting others or being rejected.
This lack of clear boundaries can impact your mental and physical health. Enmeshment can lead to feeling exhausted, disconnected, or like you’re living your life for someone else.
How can TA help?
The beauty of TA is that it gives us simple tools to understand and change these patterns.
Recognise your Parent and Child ego state voices: pay attention to those internal voices that say, ‘You must always take care of others’ (the Parent) or ‘If I don’t do this, they’ll be mad at me’ (the Child). Just noticing these voices can help you start separating your needs from theirs.
Engage your Adult ego state: your Adult is the part of you that can think logically and make decisions based on what’s happening right now, not based on old fears or past messages. You can ask yourself, ‘What is best for me right now?’ or ‘Is this healthy for me and the relationship?’
Set boundaries: boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Start by practicing small, simple boundaries like saying ‘no’ when you need to, or asking for space when you feel overwhelmed. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice, it gets easier.
Re-decide your life script: As you grow, you can choose to rewrite old beliefs that no longer serve you. For example, if you learned as a child that ‘Love means always being there for others,’ you can choose a new belief, such as ‘I can love and care for others while also taking care of myself.’
Moving toward healthy independence
Breaking free from enmeshment doesn’t mean you stop caring for others. It means you care for yourself too. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, where both people can be emotionally close without losing their independence.
Enmeshment can be a complicated, emotionally intense dynamic, but it’s never too late to create healthy boundaries and build relationships where everyone can thrive. You can recognise old patterns, understand where they come from, and rewrite your script for a more balanced, authentic and fulfilling way of relating to others.
